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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25562032">What Could Have Been</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wind_Ryder/pseuds/Wind_Ryder'>Wind_Ryder</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Methuselah's Children [8]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Old Guard (Movie 2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Fear, Found Families, M/M, Minor Character: Nile Freeman, Paranoia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 12:22:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,991</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25562032</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wind_Ryder/pseuds/Wind_Ryder</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>While Nile tells her mother and brother about being immortal, Nicky and Joe have a conversation about what could have happened if things went a little different in Merrick's lab.</p><p>Nicky wants to know what they'll do if one of them goes first, and Joe doesn't like Nicky's answer. He comes up with one of his own.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Methuselah's Children [8]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1839811</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>81</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>667</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>What Could Have Been</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Not for the faint of heart, it's a rough ride and Nicky's depressed.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Nicky and Joe stay upstairs as Nile embraces her family. They sit mostly out of sight, and only somewhat out of mind, as Nile explains what happened in Afghanistan. What happened afterwards. They listen, as Nile’s brother tries to come to terms with what she’s seeing. What she’s hearing. They try not to listen too hard, when Nile’s mother starts to cry and it’s clear she’s holding onto Nile with all the strength in her body.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hidden up above the family, with their backs to the far wall of the balcony, Nicky and Joe are observers only. It isn’t their place to interfere. Still, they lean close to one another and barely breathe as they hope Nile’s family accepts what she’s become. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“All these years,” Nile’s mother says to her daughter, “all these years I’ve been worried you’d die before your time. But you’re not gonna die before your time at all, are you baby?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No ma, I’m not.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ma don’t cry,” Nile’s brother says. “Don’t you see? </span>
  <em>
    <span>Nile’s a superhero! </span>
  </em>
  <span>She’s like Luke Cage! Bulletproof!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thankfully, Nile doesn’t correct the slightly misleading picture that paints, but it earns a choked laugh from their mother. The tears start up again, but it’s shocked gratitude now. Even some prayers of thanks and exhalations. “You’re never gonna have to </span>
  <em>
    <span>say my name, </span>
  </em>
  <span>ma,” Nile whispers. “I’m gonna be okay. I promise.” The tears don’t stop for a long while after that, and when they do, it’s because her brother’s trying to come up with superhero names for Nile.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nile steps into the one corner of the room where she can make eye contact with Nicky and Joe. She nods once, subtly, and they give her a thumbs up. Then, quietly, they slip away. They let her finish the rest on her own. Let her turn down Midnight Avenger and Lady Black Panther as her nom de plume.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instead, Nicky and Joe slip into their bedroom and close the door. Nile deserves her privacy. Now that things seem mostly okay, it isn’t their place to intrude. If she needs them, she can call them. But for now...she deserves a chance to figure things out with her family without them eavesdropping. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Joe collects his sketchbook from his endstand and tosses it on the bed. He retrieves a pencil sharpener and sets to sharpening a pencil to his preferred point. He settles onto the bed ready to spend the next few hours in repose, but there’s an empty space where Nicky should be. Nicky’s still at the door. One hand resting on the handle, his back leaned up against the wood. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you thinking about?” Joe asks in his first tongue. Nicky’s breathing fills the room, sharp and hollow. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Booker,” he replies. Joe’s pencil hesitates on the fresh page he’d turned to. Then he starts despite the pause. He begins with the basic shape of a face, pulled up from the few glances he could get over the balcony without getting seen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What about Booker?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>With great effort, it seems, Nicky pulls himself from the door. He walks to the bed. His steps are slow and off center, like the very energy it takes to move has sapped out of him. He sits heavily on the mattress. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Joe starts in on the nose next. He draws a line approximately where the mouth should be, then measures his way out from there. He keeps his touch light, When the finishing touches are applied he may need to erase some of the less definitive proportions. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Should we have told him about…” Nicky doesn’t finish his sentence. He leaves it dangling in the air like a noose. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Joe takes it, wraps it around his neck, and hangs himself with it. He says “No,” and begins sketching Nile’s mother’s eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He would not have felt as alone, to know—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“—How old was Booker’s son when he died?” The non-sequitur throws Nicky off balance. He turns to look at Joe, but Joe refuses to meet his gaze. “Forty-two? Forty-five? Something like that?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We had Lykon for two hundred years. Quynh for six. Andromache had both for thousands of years past our time. Yet none of us wished to end anything for anyone. He knew we lost both Lykon and Quynh. He knew how long we had them. If he couldn’t understand that we felt the pain of loss, why would knowing we raised children matter to him at all?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Joe knows Nicky will argue with him. Knows exactly how he’ll do it too. He can trace the shape of the words before they even leave Nicky’s mouth, but Joe has no intentions of hearing them. Not now, not tonight, and not </span>
  <em>
    <span>here. </span>
  </em>
  <span>“He betrayed us for his own gain. Knowing that we also had children wouldn’t have made a difference. He wanted to die, and he wanted to punish us for being content. That’s the end of it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nicky’s arguments end on his lips. He turns back to stare at the wall as Joe continues to run his pencil over the sketch he was working on. The face is almost complete. He starts on the hair next, will all it’s brilliant curls. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you think he would have come for us if he knew about Andy beforehand?” Nicky asks, then. The tip of Joe’s pencil snaps. It leaves a horrible dark mark right above the mother’s face. He lowers the sketchbook to his lap, and he watches Nicky. “I’ve been thinking about it. Since that first night when we knew...I’ve been thinking about it. And I can’t get it out of my head. He didn’t want Andy to die...he didn’t want her to get hurt. Even Nile, she came at such an unexpected moment. He hadn’t planned for her, only us. And so. If he </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew</span>
  </em>
  <span>...if he </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew—</span>
  </em>
  <span>would he have turned Andy in still? Himself? Or would he have...have just said that he could not find us. That he couldn’t find Copley. And we...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nicolo,” Joe whispers. He sets the sketchbook to the side. Nicky’s hands clench tightly on the edge of the bed. His spine is a rigid rod, spearing him into place. Joe’s arms wrap around his body, but none of the tension leaves him. He stays firm and locked up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Downstairs, they can hear someone laughing bright and happy. Nicky’s breath drags in between his teeth and he echoes it. Only his laugh is dark, gruesome, and born on a battlefield from a millennium past. “I keep thinking of things that would have happened, one idea more horrible than the last and I...I follow the thoughts to the end and all I see is the inevitable moment when I cannot go on any more and—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“—</span>
  <em>
    <span>Nicolo!” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Joe hisses the name sharply into Nicky’s left ear. He jerks the body in his arms back, forcing him off balance so he’s lying helpless in Joe’s grip. His head snaps to the side, away from Joe’s face, but not from his light of sight. There are tears in Nicky’s eyes. Nicky’s biting his lip to keep from revealing his despair. Joe presses his lips to the side of NIcky’s head. “I’m here. I’m here. Yes? I’m here.” He squeezes tighter, not letting up for a moment. “You’re not alone.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They would have separated us,” Nicky replies. “You know this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He does. He knew it the moment he woke in the lab and saw Nicky lying beside him. Sooner or later, that luxury would have expired. They would be taken away from one another. He’d immediately looked to try to find a way out, but found nothing. He’d only been able to look back at Nicky and know that Nicky had already thought of it. Already seen the precarious nature they’d been in, and had relented only so he could watch Joe sleep—memorizing his face before the end. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not alone,” Joe repeats. “I have you. You’re here, in my arms. We’re home. We’re home and no one’s going to take you from me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“One day,” Nicky sighs. “One day…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Never. It will not happen. Fate has decided we will stay together. If it was going to separate us, it would have done so. It didn’t. We’re here. We’re still here, together.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Everything dies, Yusuf.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Joe presses his lips harder against Nicky’s head. He squeezes the slight body in his arms as tight as he can. “When we die, we die together.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then, the tension snaps. It breaks in the worst way. Tears spill from Nicky’s eyes. He curls against Joe’s chest and holds onto his shirt. He trembles as he weeps, clinging to him like a child. “I miss them,” he says, nonsensically but understandable nonetheless. Joe feels it every time they step foot in this house. Neither of them can leave it to rot, nor allow it to fall to disrepair, but at the same time it is filled with bittersweet memories. It is filled with hopeful dreams and broken promises. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Their children may not have begged for Nicky and Joe to use their immortality to save their lives, but the pain is still there. They lived, and they died, Nicky and Joe buried their beloved bodies in the cold earth and hoped that one day they’d meet again on the other side. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you remember what you said at the lab? That you wanted to go back to Malta? Why don’t we? Hm? We’ll go once Nile and Andy are settled. We’ll go and rest and—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you were taken from me, I’d do what Booker did.” Joe freezes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re upset.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If I thought they could end this. I’d do it. You know I would.” He did. He did, and he wished he didn’t. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nicolo…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t do this without you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know.” He kisses Nicky’s brow. Kisses it and gets a hand under Nicky’s body so he could maneuver him properly onto the bed. He forces his lover to lay next to him, curled against him, held to his chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once, a very long time ago, Nicky had woken up from a nightmare and Yusuf hadn’t been able to get him calmed down before one of the kids heard. Edward had just turned fourteen, he’d barely been with them for a few months, but he loitered in that doorway watching Nicky breaking down, and he slipped away to get them some water to drink. He’d returned with his little brother, and the pair of them climbed up on the bed and curled up against Nicky and Joe’s chests. He let Nicky hold him tighter than he’d ever let him hold him before. Let Nicky feel his heart beating beneath his hand and smell his hair. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re not alone,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Edward whispered to Nicky. And Richard jubilantly repeated the sentiment to Joe. Nicky cried through most of the night, but the kids stayed with them. Joe stayed with him. In the morning, he seemed lighter than he’d ever been after a nightmare. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Joe never could replicate Edward’s particular talent when it came to that. Or any of the kids. Each one could elicit reactions from Nicky that only </span>
  <em>
    <span>they </span>
  </em>
  <span>could get. And yet, Joe had spent almost a thousand years by Nicky’s side, and Nicky still believed that one day Joe would leave and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Worse yet, with Lykon gone and Andy dying—there was nothing Joe could do to prove it. One day their time would be up. Joe could only hope they’d go together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you remember when Kamali died?” Joe asks quietly. It’s a poor question. He knows Nicky does. They never forget when they lose family. They never forget the burials or the pain of standing before their portraits in the great hall. A wall of dead eyes the only reminder of the ones they once loved. Nicky’s gone tense again, and Joe presses on, kissing Nicky’s head before he does. “Do you remember what she </span>
  <em>
    <span>said?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“She said many things.” He did remember, then, he was just being stubborn. Stubborn, Joe could work with. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She said she would look for her brothers and sisters on the other side. That she’d tell them about us. And that she’d wait for us to join them.” Nicky tries to turn away, but Joe won’t let him go. “That’s what will happen if I go first Nicky. I’ll go, and I’ll be with them. And I’ll tell them about our life. And we’ll wait for your time to come. That’s what I want you to do, if you go first, do you understand?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s struggling again, halfhearted and weak. He can get out if he tries harder, but he’s not really trying to get away. Tears slip down his cheeks and onto the bed. Joe kisses him. He kisses him over and over. His hair, his temple, his cheek. He tastes tears on his lips. “Tell me you understand,” Joe besesches. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I understand.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We made a promise, didn’t we?” Joe asks. “No matter what happens. The kids come first. We’ll always be all right in the end, you and I.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Joe—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yusuf.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t tell me you didn’t offer to do Nile’s hair like Kamali because you didn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>think </span>
  </em>
  <span>about it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Finally, Nicky rolls over. He rolls over and meets Joe’s eyes. “She’s not a child.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She is,” Joe answers. He lifts a hand to cup Nicky’s cheek. He wipes a tear with the pad of his thumb. “She might not be as much of a child as Louis-Charles or Richard or even Saifa, but she is still a child. And she’ll </span>
  <em>
    <span>look</span>
  </em>
  <span> twenty-four forever.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s not </span>
  <em>
    <span>our </span>
  </em>
  <span>child,” Nicky corrects. There’s a woman downstairs right now, laughing and crying with Nile in her arms, proving that no matter what he may or may not be thinking: Nile will never be theirs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nile chose to have her family, just as they chose to make families of their own. “Tell me you haven’t thought about it,” Joe says anyway. He waits, knowing Nicky won’t lie to him. Nicky doesn’t lie. He doesn’t say anything. Just frowns and averts his eyes. Looks toward the door, and the sound of talking from down below. “If I die before you...take care of our child. That’s what you’ll do. Do you understand?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yusuf, </span>
  <em>
    <span>please.” </span>
  </em>
  <span>He’s slipped from Joe’s tongue into his own, begging now. The tears are starting again, and Yusuf kisses his brow and pulls him close once more. “Please don’t tell me these things.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have to,” Joe replies, following Nicky’s lead and speaking in the Genovese of their youth. “If you’re going to think about me dying before you, I have to tell you that it won’t be what you’re thinking of. You won’t be alone. You’ll </span>
  <em>
    <span>never </span>
  </em>
  <span>be alone again, do you understand? Never. Nile is here. She’s here, and she’ll be there for you, no matter what. She adores you. She’ll take care of you. She won’t let you falter. You’ll pull through. You will. And...if we get captured again, then you know she’s coming after us. She’s not gonna let us get hurt.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She came for Andy,” Nicky murmurs. “Not us.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’ll come now,” Joe swears. “Tell me you think she won’t.” He doesn’t. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They lay there for a while, breathing each other’s air. Nile and her family are happy downstairs. They’re exuberant in the face of the reality they’ve been given. They’re making the best of a decision that has been taken from their hands. Nile’s playing up the positive, and they’re working through the negatives. “She’ll need us, when her family dies,” Joe whispers. “We have to be there for her. Promise me, no matter what, one of us will be there for her.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He waits. It takes a long time, but he waits. He waits for the moment when finally, Nicky’s body slumps in defeat. He nods once against Joe’s chest. He makes his oath like a man’s last confession. It’s desperate and weary, but it lives. It’s there. Joe squeezes Nicky tight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Later, when Nicky is asleep and resting fitfully at his side, Joe will lie awake. Later, he’ll let the scenarios play out. He’ll imagine being taken from Nicky, imagine being tortured. He imagines Merrick cutting off his head and presenting it to Nicky as proof that Joe had finally died. He imagines Nicky’s horror, his disbelief, and the utter breaking of over nine hundred years of sanity held together by the thread that was their love. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Later, he’ll know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Booker would have left them behind if he knew about Andy. Nile would have abandoned them. She’ll have gone to her family and given up on the depressing duo Andy and Booker made when they were alone together. He doesn’t know how long they’d have to stay in those labs before finally an opportunity presented itself and they could escape, but he knows that once they did, there would be an irreversible split between them and the rest of the group that would never heal. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then, in that scenario, there’d be no escaping the reality Nicky had conjured. They’d be alone, and if one of them died…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Later, he’ll hold Nicky close, and be forever grateful that what could have been - never passed. Nile’s happy with her family. They’re here and they’ve got time together. Andy is enjoying a spa treatment to help soothe her wounds while they’re getting Nile’s shit together. And soon, they’ll go on their first mission together. Things are better than they could have been. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Later, he’ll take one last look at a sketchbook he dedicated to the faces and memories of his children, and he’ll say: </span>
  <em>
    <span>Just a little longer, loves, it’s not our time. </span>
  </em>
  <span>And he’ll pray that neither of them ever have to be parted ever again. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Find and prompt me at falcon-fox-and-coyote.tumblr.com</p></blockquote></div></div>
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